Many of you have been so sweet and have asked how I am doing.....it's a complicated answer....and knowing me, I'm not one just to put a nice blanket over things, I'll give you the truth.
During advent, our church talked about "wondering". How Mary must have been wondering about all that God was leading her to do....and how we can wonder as well. One of our pastors mentioned how wondering is more of an open ended thought then coming to a conclusion. I liked that, and I think that's where I am. I am left still wondering.
Thankfully, my hormones leveled out and I somehow crawled out of my crying days...a little later than usual, but at least I did. Talking to a few people sure helped......(thank you to all who were praying for me and to my listeners...who just listened and didn't give me answers or little things to make me feel better...I appreciate you cussing along with me). Emotional stress led straight into physical discomfort.....the third baby isn't so nice on an older body. I waddle at times, and sigh a lot more than usual.
I even started to think about what I need, and the "stuff" (ALLLLLLL the stuff) that we will need to get for this little guy coming our way. That's a huge obstacle for me. Even more so.....I have gotten excited about how to paint and decorate the baby's room.
But last night, as I lay in bed barely able to move due to a pulled muscle that somehow my preggo body did in it's sleep......I continued to wonder. I wondered why is it that I am more excited about a room than a baby. I wondered to God...why? Why do you want me to have another baby?
Now I am just being honest here and while I know all the answers about how when this baby is born I won't be able to imagine our lives without him....I still have questions and doubts.....just like I am sure Mary did.
Mainly I wonder, why me?
I have friends who their dream was always to be a mommy......everything about it. And they make the most amazing moms..... and wish I could be just a tiny bit like them. They seem to love it.....all the time....24/7. And I can prove it........they take more pictures, do more crafts, spend all their time doing fun things with their kids. They talk about their kids more, they write about their kids more....it seems they just do more. They love their babies.
Now, don't freak out. I love my kids.....and I have always wanted kids......but being a super mommy doesn't come naturally to me like it does to others. I actually look forward to putting my kids to bed.....or having a day to myself. There are even times when I am playing with them and I am thinking....okay...15 more minutes....then we'll move on to something else. There are times when I want nothing else than to be with my kids......and then there are times I want nothing else than to be somewhere else. I was never the mom who cried when I left my kids....I missed them.....but I never second guessed leaving them with their grammy or auntie.
So I guess I compare myself...and I shouldn't.....but we all do, don't we?
So I wonder...why me God? Why "bless" us with another baby when our kids are finally to the point where I enjoy them so much more. Why me when there are so many other mommies who are better mommies?
So, even though I am finally able to be more excited about an addition to our family....and I am thankful for the blessing and honor it is to be a mommy.....I still sometimes lay in bed and wonder. I wonder about all things....and I wonder about the why's.......
and on a positive note.....I even wonder what this little guy will be like, who he will look like....and what he will grow to be.