Baby Update #2- Wondering

The count down has begun....at least for me. 9 More weeks to go and less if I go into labor early....which of course I am hoping for.

Many of you have been so sweet and have asked how I am doing.....it's a complicated answer....and knowing me, I'm not one just to put a nice blanket over things, I'll give you the truth.

During advent, our church talked about "wondering".  How Mary must have been wondering about all that God was leading her to do....and how we can wonder as well. One of our pastors mentioned how wondering is more of an open ended thought then coming to a conclusion. I liked that, and I think that's where I am. I am left still wondering. 

Thankfully, my hormones leveled out and I somehow crawled out of my crying days...a little later than usual, but at least I did. Talking to a few people sure helped......(thank you to all who were praying for me and  to my listeners...who just listened and didn't give me answers or little things to make me feel better...I appreciate you cussing along with me). Emotional stress led straight into physical discomfort.....the third baby isn't so nice on an older body. I waddle at times, and sigh a lot more than usual.

I even started to think about what I need, and the "stuff" (ALLLLLLL the stuff) that we will need to get for this little guy coming our way. That's a huge obstacle for me. Even more so.....I have gotten excited about how to paint and decorate the baby's room.

But last night, as I lay in bed barely able to move due to a pulled muscle that somehow my preggo body did in it's sleep......I continued to wonder. I wondered why is it that I am more excited about a room than a baby. I wondered to God...why? Why do you want me to have another baby?

Now I am just being honest here and while I know all the answers about how when this baby is born I won't be able to imagine our lives without him....I still have questions and doubts.....just like I am sure Mary did.

Mainly I wonder, why me?

I have friends who their dream was always to be a mommy......everything about it. And they make the most amazing moms..... and wish I could be just  a tiny bit like them. They seem to love it.....all the time....24/7. And I can prove it........they take more pictures, do more crafts, spend all their time doing fun things with their  kids. They talk about their kids more, they write about their kids more....it seems they just do more. They love their babies.

Now, don't freak out. I love my kids.....and I have always wanted kids......but being a super mommy doesn't come naturally to me like it does to others. I actually look forward to putting my kids to bed.....or having a day to myself. There are even times when I am playing with them and I am thinking....okay...15 more minutes....then we'll move on to something else. There are times when I want nothing else than to be with my kids......and then there are times I want nothing else than to be somewhere else.  I was never the mom who cried when I left my kids....I missed them.....but I never second guessed leaving them with their grammy or auntie.

So I guess I compare myself...and I shouldn't.....but we all do, don't we? 

So I wonder...why me God? Why "bless" us with another baby when our kids are finally to the point where I enjoy them so much more. Why me when there are so many other mommies who are better mommies?

Why?

Why?

Why?

So, even though I am finally able to be more excited about an addition to our family....and I am thankful for the blessing and honor it is to be a mommy.....I still sometimes lay in bed and wonder. I wonder about all things....and I wonder about the why's.......

and on a positive note.....I even wonder what this little guy will be like, who he will look like....and what he will grow to be.

The Contest

No, this isn't a reference to the infamous Sienfeld episode (although maybe if we had tried to abstain I wouldn't be pregnant. lol joke people, it's a joke), but rather something fun to participate in.

Paul and I found out we having a little boy- Cue- "Hooray!". We are excited and the kids are thrilled...although we are happy with any healthy baby, boy or girl.
So the cat is out of the bag as to the gender.....but we have decided to keep mum on the name we have chosen....well, almost chosen. I am still on the fence....and I can easily be swayed.


So here's the contest.Who can guess the name we picked? I will give you two clues........

1. The first name is just a name we like...no special meaning. (and if you know us and have listened to paul in the past...you will have a head start on this one)

2. The middle name is a literary reference....one specifically close to Paul's heart.

Here's the prize.....if you guess the name....I will tell you. If you recommend a name I like and end up changing the name to yours...you get bragging rights of naming the baby.

So go ahead...make your predictions......especially you silent stalkers (yes, I am talking to you) it can be even more fun if I don't know the name of the person it's coming from :-)

How Oprah Changed Me

Now Don't laugh....the title is a bit misleading.....but not really.  Oprah made a huge impact in my life when I was young. I hate to admit it these days with people putting her on the level as a god.....but somehow, many years ago  through a little TV screen she help send me on a journey that helped me get to where I am now.

So where am I?

I am in a loving, faithful and trustful relationship with an amazing man who is so humble it continues to surprise. I am in a house. I have never lived in a house before. I have two children with a little surprise on the way who will grow up with two parents. I have wonderful family and friends.....people who love me despite all my short comings.

and I have a new relationship.....one with  a dad I never knew.

My parents divorced even before I was conceived. I find that fact pretty funny.....but I was. The first few years of my life were tumultuous with my dad in the picture. I'll spare you the details....but let's just say this one little girl had an enormous amount of hate in her heart. I barely knew him and barely saw him and when i was around 3 or so......he was gone. Gone to be with his other wife and children. This obviously left me with lots of feelings of abandonment, anger, pain and resentment growing up. The days of jr. high and high school were hard enough going through puberty and trying to navigate relationships let alone trying to deal with all my anger and abandonment issues.

But there I was....sitting on my couch one day watching Oprah. You remember those good ole Oprah episodes, where her hair was a poof ball and she got real emotional with her guests?.....Yep, it was one of those and I think the guest was an adult who had been abused by a parent when they were young. They were talking about how that said adult was able to move on and not hold onto her anger and bitterness. Then Oprah said the most profound thing, which was profound to me cuz I had never heard it before. I am paraphrasing here but she said something like this, "We are responsible for our own anger and bitterness". The idea being of what we do with that anger and hurt is our fault...not the person who inflicted it. That was huge for me. I didn't want to hold onto all my crap and grow into someone who was bitter and angry. I decided right then that I would work out my anger and try to learn to let it go.

and I did.

it was hard.....really, really hard.

I have to be honest and say that my faith was a huge part of that work. I don't think that without my relationship with God I would have been able to fully let it go. I read a lot of scripture that spoke to me about bitterness, anger and forgiveness and although it was Oprah who started me on that path....it was God who always held my hand and led me through it (even deeper I know that it was really God all the time.....).

It's been a long journey.....but my dad has re-entered the picture. I have to admit and say that it's a little awkward at times....and that my motive in the beginning was  for my kids. I want to give them every possibility to know their family which is something I never had. It has been such a joy to see them get to know their grandpa and I am slowly getting to know this man who is my dad.

But the best thing is......I broke the cycle.  That latch key kid from a broken home who at one time was full of anger and hate is no longer. My kids won't have to grow up knowing what feeling abandoned is like.......they won't have the same "issues" i had growing up.  They have two parents who love each other and love them. They have a place where they feel safe...a place to wonder, grow, wrestle and laugh. I thought about these things the other night as I was brushing Riley's hair in the bathroom and her Dad walked by doing the silly dance and I smiled.

 Oprah started me on a journey that led me to a place where anger holds no one captive and love & forgiveness easily rest.

Kanye vs. Stephen Colbert

Sometimes Stephen Colbert is just too funny not to share.

Embrace

For those of you who don't know me personally, my wonderful husband is not only a great man, father and pastor....but a talented artist. He has a unique perspective that is all his own.

About two years ago a friend of mine commissioned him to paint a painting for her new home. This was one of the sketches he came up with. Although, my friend never ended using this piece.....I fell in love with it.

This pictures touches my soul in so many different ways. Sometimes it depicts how our Heavenly Father holds us in embrace during times of joy, sorrow, grief, pain and happiness. Other times, it illustrates how a father holds his daughter when they are snuggling. And even still, other times it reminds me how a husband embraces his wife in all things.

It's comforting.....and every time I look at it, no matter how I look at it, I feel loved and cherished.

This piece has been pinned up in my office since he brought it home. Today he posted it on his blog.....and I couldn't resist posting it as well.


Note: if you are interested in seeing Paul's artistic side....he is starting to post things regularly on his blog. Check it out Here

Note to Honey: Now will you paint it for me???