Many of you have been so sweet and have asked how I am doing.....it's a complicated answer....and knowing me, I'm not one just to put a nice blanket over things, I'll give you the truth.
During advent, our church talked about "wondering". How Mary must have been wondering about all that God was leading her to do....and how we can wonder as well. One of our pastors mentioned how wondering is more of an open ended thought then coming to a conclusion. I liked that, and I think that's where I am. I am left still wondering.
Thankfully, my hormones leveled out and I somehow crawled out of my crying days...a little later than usual, but at least I did. Talking to a few people sure helped......(thank you to all who were praying for me and to my listeners...who just listened and didn't give me answers or little things to make me feel better...I appreciate you cussing along with me). Emotional stress led straight into physical discomfort.....the third baby isn't so nice on an older body. I waddle at times, and sigh a lot more than usual.
I even started to think about what I need, and the "stuff" (ALLLLLLL the stuff) that we will need to get for this little guy coming our way. That's a huge obstacle for me. Even more so.....I have gotten excited about how to paint and decorate the baby's room.
But last night, as I lay in bed barely able to move due to a pulled muscle that somehow my preggo body did in it's sleep......I continued to wonder. I wondered why is it that I am more excited about a room than a baby. I wondered to God...why? Why do you want me to have another baby?
Now I am just being honest here and while I know all the answers about how when this baby is born I won't be able to imagine our lives without him....I still have questions and doubts.....just like I am sure Mary did.
Mainly I wonder, why me?
I have friends who their dream was always to be a mommy......everything about it. And they make the most amazing moms..... and wish I could be just a tiny bit like them. They seem to love it.....all the time....24/7. And I can prove it........they take more pictures, do more crafts, spend all their time doing fun things with their kids. They talk about their kids more, they write about their kids more....it seems they just do more. They love their babies.
Now, don't freak out. I love my kids.....and I have always wanted kids......but being a super mommy doesn't come naturally to me like it does to others. I actually look forward to putting my kids to bed.....or having a day to myself. There are even times when I am playing with them and I am thinking....okay...15 more minutes....then we'll move on to something else. There are times when I want nothing else than to be with my kids......and then there are times I want nothing else than to be somewhere else. I was never the mom who cried when I left my kids....I missed them.....but I never second guessed leaving them with their grammy or auntie.
So I guess I compare myself...and I shouldn't.....but we all do, don't we?
So I wonder...why me God? Why "bless" us with another baby when our kids are finally to the point where I enjoy them so much more. Why me when there are so many other mommies who are better mommies?
Why?
Why?
Why?
So, even though I am finally able to be more excited about an addition to our family....and I am thankful for the blessing and honor it is to be a mommy.....I still sometimes lay in bed and wonder. I wonder about all things....and I wonder about the why's.......
and on a positive note.....I even wonder what this little guy will be like, who he will look like....and what he will grow to be.
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11 comments:
It could be naive of me, especially since I didn't really know you when your kids were babies... but I think you're a fabulous mommy. :)
i appreciate your candor, and even envy your courage to be open and known. no judgements from me.
however, i do think that our perceptions --or what we think is true about other mommy's-- betray us. no mommy is perfect.
to quote a line from The Shack:
If your perception is false, then your emotional response to it will be false too. (p. 197)
Girl - I soooo hear you! I feel exactly like that so many times! I have wondered if I'm on my own with those feelings, but then I mention it to another mommy who says she feels the same way.
You are not alone! Thanks so much for sharing.....
Wow....
I really hope we get to meet in person some day.
Your post described so many of my own feelings (I had a hormonally charged pregnancy too...)
And when you made the comment about lookin forward to kids' bedtimes - I almost cried. It's a relief to know that I'm not the only one who feels like that...
Thank you so much for sharing.
i seriously love this post and your authentic heart.
Jen,
I'm also a big fan of your honesty. You give others a voice who feel what you feel, but can't or don't want to admit it. You make it okay to be real.
Like you, I love my kids, but I look forward to bedtime every night and don't really think it's very much fun to play house or grocery store or tea party.
For myself, I have realized that I give to my kids in many other ways. What is super-mommy anyway? I really don't think she exists. We give our kids the things that are best of ourselves; this is different for everyone. If you are giving your kids the best of yourself, which I am sure you are, you were born to be a mommy because the world needs more people like you. Seriously.
It's always a treat to read your thoughts and questions :>. What a great way to start off this new year! Something I have been wondering (and rooting for :>) is for dark brown hair for your little guy (he he):>. Love you Jen!!!
your are a great mommy : ) those moms that never admit they look forward to when their kids go to bed, aren't being truthful. kids take ALOT out of you and everyone needs a break.
and lastly, why you? well your getting a "daniel"
what an amazing gift : )
MUAH!!
hi friend. i feel for you right now. because i would feel the same way if baby #3 was in my belly. of course I would be grateful, but also confused??!! and lots of why questions would circle about by little head.
i often feel so inadequate as a mom. and sometimes i am surrounded by people who just seem like they are rockstar moms...have it all together and seem to love every moment of parental bliss.
it is not that way with me. i do my very best. but it is a challenge that leaves me feeling drained, lonely, frustrated, and exhausted on more days than I would like to admit.
i think if more moms were just honest about the difficulties of parenting...we'd all be a lot better off.
there are also days of pure joy when i couldn't imagine anything better. and watching my kids sleep calms my heart in a way nothing else can. listening to them talk about God brings me joy. hearing them laughs makes me smile. thinking about their future puts butterflies in my belly.
there is good. so much good in the midst of struggle, wonder, and confusion. you know that... i'm just letting you know that i resonate with you.
i will pray for you as you near your due date. prayers for peace and comfort to wrap themselves around you. and for paul and your precious kids. keep being the best mommy you can be.
it's hard now. but think down the road...ahead...many christmases and new years from now....think of the kids around the dinner table coming home to see you... laughing, talking, sharing memories.... this will all one day be a distant memory.
until then, we pray for your journey....
love you.
kristi
That's a great quote Dionne...and very true....thanks for sharing and reminding me.
Well ladies and gents...I wrote this post with just the intention of just alleviating my thoughts and letting them rest in cyber space rather than my head. I never imagined having so many of you "get" what I am saying. Thank you for your encouragement, your prayers and sweet words. They mean so much.
and Les.....I consider myself extremely lucky in getting a Daniel and even more if he marries a Lesly!
Jennifer,
There are days when I still feel like I am wondering and asking why. It's usually after a hard day with the kids or when people are comparing Sophia's speech to Jack's, when I've walked into their rooms and noticed that they've finger painted with a certain medium. When they've taken a red sharpie pen and written all over themselves, the computer and the sliding glass door. When my daughter walks around the house swearing like a sailor, even though she heard a word once. I think all the time why did he give me these creatures to mold into upstanding human beings? I knew I wanted kids and even being around them my whole life it didn't prepare me for being a mother. I felt so incredibly guilty when I found out I was pregnant with Sophia when Jack was barely 8 months old. I wasn't as excited with her pregnancy was I was with Jack's. I wanted another boy because they would be so close in age. I was in shock that she was a girl. I wonder everyday if I am doing the right thing. I don't let them do lots of things, and when I leave them with whomever wants to take them I don't cry, in fact I wonder if they know what they are asking for. Not that they are bad, but they are work. I take tons of pictures but they are all in the computer, not up on the walls or in albums. They mostly appear on Facebook or in a blog. I didn't even do a baby book for either of them. When Sophia was 9 months old I woke up one day and just started crying, I cried for 3 days straight where I couldn't work it became a little better but I kept it up for 3 more months. I did get help. I love when they go to bed. I love it even more when I am the only one up and the house is silent.
I have learned that the wondering can sometimes not let you see the answer that is right in front of your face. So I try not to do so much wondering because if I do it tends to distract me from my favorite 3 things.
I can tell you why this baby chose you for his mom. He looked down and saw a family that laughes, plays, and loves and instantly knew that he needed all of you to be his family.
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