The Loves of My Life

The Loves of My Life

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Fear

So I am in the middle of the Golden Trimester. For all you who haven't had children or who are men....this is the time in a women's pregnancy when all is well in the world. For most pregnant women this is when they have finally come out of the nausea, tired and feeling bloated stage and into the all food sounds great, more energy and great sex stage.

So I should be feeling great right?

riiight! well actually not so much. I have found myself too be more exhausted and my hormones are all over the place. I notice this due to the simple fact that I have already been pregnant twice and I know how I should be feeling. I also know this because most of the time I am a pretty even keel kinda girl. For the most part I am someone who is pretty easy going and can roll with the punches.

But something is off this time. I have been finding myself having a really hard time just dealing with ordinary tasks. I am easily stressed and anxious about what needs to happen or what we might be doing that day or week. Many times I have to try to keep myself from crying....but I don't know why I am. It seems like life is too much for me and I just can't handle the full plate I am used to eating.

I noticed this right away....and told my friend Rebecca who I knew would encourage me to talk to someone....a professional someone. I knew I really needed that encouragement and that's why i went to her.
I came home one night and emotionally vomited on my husband who, after being a great listener, offered that a Stephen Minister might be good for me right now (he also gave me a lovely foot rub). I even told my OB what was going on....and guess what she suggested as well?......for me to go see a therapist or a psychologist ( as well as telling me what i am feeling is completely normal for someone who is pregnant with 2 kids and working part-time).

I went to all three people knowing what I needed to do...but somehow I still had fear in taking that first step.

For me....doing that goes much deeper.

When Paul was in seminary there was a lot of hard stuff going on in my family. I ended up going to the campus therapist for a few visits to help me deal with the craziness. i wasn't depressed or anything....I just needed help in figuring out how to manage myself and my loved ones in the midst of some trying situations. It was the best thing I could have done for myself. It was such a wonderful experience that I always would encourage friends who were going through hard times to maybe do the same.

So even though I had this great experience....I still was having a hard time taking the step to talk to someone.

You see....depression runs pretty rampant in my family. It's not fun growing up with a depressed mom and a grandmother on anti-depressants. I told myself that I never wanted to be like them. I didn't want to end up like that. I am so fearful of the chemical imbalance that sometimes it freezes me in that fear.

So for me...going to talk to someone about the possibility that my pregnancy is raking havoc so much with my hormones that i might be slightly depressed or dealing with anxiety is really hard for me. Sometimes I am afraid that the ability to be positive and deal with stress as I usually do won't come back.

I know I can't live in this fear. It's not healthy. I know what I should do and I am very aware of how helpful talking to someone can be.
It's just hard....and frankly it's almost too tiring.

But I will. I made an appt. and I am waiting to hear. The nice thing is that I have felt a tiny bit better the past few days.....so maybe I am coming back into balance.

11 comments:

Rebecca Snavely said...

Jen -- So proud of you for making the appointment. That is a hard first step to take, given all of your fears and past worries. Even though we may be miserable where we are, it is KNOWN misery. That step into the unknown is huge, and I'll be praying for you to take each step, to be in the present moment, without fear.

Love you.

Rebecca Snavely said...

P.S. - Rebecca sounds super smart.

Diane Davis said...

I love your honesty in this blog post. In addition being worried that the present work might trigger past issues (WHO wants to open THAT can of worms?)... I imagine it is hard just because it is one more thing to do in an already overloaded life. But I agree... good job for being brave and for taking care of YOU. I've had years of therapy and wouldn't trade the freedom for anything. But I also resonate with the fears you speak of, even if we both know the crap is there even if we try to avoid it. You give so much to others, even if you just need an ear for an hour that is there for YOU, there is value in that.

Diane Davis said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
No Crying Mama said...

Just wanted to share that I am almost 24 weeks and it's only been in the last 2-3 weeks that I've actually started to feel that 2nd trimester energy. I honestly think 2 kids (mine are 4.5 and 1.5) and working definately play a role. I do hope you find some peace at your appt.

Anonymous said...

Dear Jen,
Thank you for being so honest here and sharing that with others! You always take care of EVERYONE and now you need to take care of you!! I have been there, and yes, you are right on that it is hard to do!! I do believe that you will feel better once you take that step. I am praying for you and am very proud of you always!!

Love,
Your son's teacher

Kristi said...

Jen...thank you for sharing your heart with us. I hope that your counseling appointment goes well and your heart will find the peace that it deserves...

Jules said...

Oh Jen, I am EXACTLY where you are. After PJ was born I was hit with some pretty gnarly post partum and as my 2nd trimester is beginning, I am finding myself feeling the weight of depression again. I actually told Grant maybe I need to go back on the anti-depressants (yikes!). I come from a history of depression too and I am just beginning to think maybe the prego hormones bring that out in me. Anyway, you're not alone girlfriend. I feel your pain and I'll continue to pray for you. Love and hugs, as always.

The Unlikely Pastor's Wife said...

I feel loved. Thank you all for your encouragement!

Sarah said...

Sweet sweet friend ...
I hear you, on several levels: the pregnancy thing (5x for me, almost continuously for 6+ years); the depressed mom thing; the knowing what you "should" do thing ...
anyway, know that you're not alone in it.
I'll be praying. And if you need an ear (or an amazing therapist's number!!), let me know!

Sarah said...

oh, and PS ... the whole "you should be feeling so great now that you're in your 2nd trimester!" is a great big fat load of BS!! (in my humble opinion!)

I think it's only comparative: as in - you felt like total and complete sh** for 12 weeks, and in another few weeks you'll be large and heavy and swollen as a horse (and feel like complete sh**), so rejoice, because right now it's not that bad!

ha ha ... ugh!!!