Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Tired of Feeling
Growing up I always used to giggle at those moms that got all teary so easily. Then I became a teenager and I found myself slowly being able to tear up at sad things and happy things.
Now that I am an adult, I have become what I used to giggle at as a child.
I am a crier.
I cry at movies and TV whether they are happy or sad. I cry during worship. I cry reading books. I cry during sermons. I cry reading the newspaper. I cry when a friend is hurting. I cry when a friend is rejoicing. I cry when I mess up. I cry when my kids achieve something cool.
I cry at the freakin' Olympics for goodness sake.
This gift of compassion and empathy can be wonderful at times....and quite useful when serving others.
But there are times when I just don't want it. Many times it hurts too much.
Times like today when I receive a phone call at work from a friend with horrible news, I just want to be able to turn off the feel-o-meter and put it in the back of my mind.
But I can't.
Instead, I sit in my cubicle wiping my runny nose on the inside of my sweater because there isn't a tissue in sight. I sit there trying to finish a spreadsheet while trying to keep the tears falling from my eyes.
If I am made in God's image, and what I feel is just a tiny bit of what God feels, God must live on an emotional roller coaster. How can He not weep ALL the time of the tragedy and sadness on earth? How can He be full of joy when someone gives their life to Him.....and yet be full of sadness for pain and suffering.
Because if I hurt this much in pain and tragedy......how much more does God hurt?
It's something I know I will never quite understand......
So I am tired....tired of all the hurting, not just my friend's, but humanities'.
I want to turn it off and be able to not feel.